Ever since I heard the Monty Python “Spam Song,” I have forever associated that mystery meat (and now mass e-mails) with that inane tune. And while e-mail and blog spam irritates me, I try to find the humor in its absurdity and find myself bemused by the online scammers who leave comments on my blog. Most of the time it is clear that they have a program spewing out incongruous comments. Occasionally they actually try to “personalize” their messages, but I find the non sequiturs arising from random submissions to be unintentionally funny.
On a lark, I quickly combed through the hundreds of spam messages I have received, noted the posts they were submitted to, then offered a response I might have given had I really wanted to bother at the time. (And, honestly, if their senders had legit e-mail addresses.) I mean, don’t we all wish we could spam the spammers? The names of the offenders have been removed not to protect the guilty but because they are bogus anyway, and it’s a waste of valuable blog space. However, I haven’t changed something that many of them are guilty of — appalling grammar and spelling.
The Original Cylon and Original Droid
Comment: Hello. Great job. I did not expect this on a Wednesday. This is a great story. Thanks!
Response: I posted this on a Tuesday, but more importantly, what do you expect on a Wednesday? I’m curious. Because the Star Wars fans liked this one on either day.
My Dinner with Raul Esparza: Three Hours With a Broadway Star
Comment: Is there a bus to the castle?
Response: I believe so, but that Castlestock party is long over. (See how I cleverly promoted an old blog entry without promoting you?)
The Sirens Of Sci-Fi
Response: That’s for the ladies, isn’t it.
Harry Potter Apologizes For His Awkward Snogging
Comment: nice article . but I have a point why you are not writing clearly ?
Response: I think I see why you’re having a problem.
Comment: You have a mild case of influenza.
Response: Well, you can get that from snogging.
Comment: A soup for me, please.
Response: You want Hogwarts’ cafeteria. Or the Soup Man.
G-Force: When Guinea Pigs Attack
Comment: You are a very smart person!
Response: Thanks, I like to think so. But not smart enough to have come up with a goofy movie premise that made millions upon millions of dollars.
Not Quite Hollywood: Aussies Gone Wild
Comment: I think your blog need a new wordpress template. Downalod it from http://templates.wordpressguru.in, The site has nice and unique wordpress templates.
Response: Hey, I think my site looks pretty good, especially with so many dull blog layouts out there. Someone even called it an online magazine recently. And no, I will not link to your adult site, which looks like it needs a better layout. Just kidding. I didn’t check it out.
Video Killed The Radio Star…But Will It Save Print Media?
Comment: Hi, I stumbled upon your web site a number of weeks ago and have ploughed through all the posts and comments quietly. I decided should make my first post. Unsure of what to comment but here goes. Cool blog. Will come back soon to see what else you have to tell me.
Response: I slaved over that essay about video advertising and the future of print media, not to mention all the other stuff I’ve done, and that’s all you can say? I’m sorry that I’m boring you.
Movie Review: Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
Comment: What is captcha code?, pls provide me captcha code codes or plugin, Thanks in advance.
Response: Ask Optimus Prime.
Comment: Come on dude, these facts* and proof* i mean who is posting* lol 😛
Response: I dare you to say that to Megatron.
Comment: chewbacca what a wookie!
Response: Wrong franchise, dude, but nice try.
Comment: Hi there, I found your blog via Google while searching for first aid for a heart attack and your post looks very interesting for me.
Response: Maybe watching Transformers in IMAX in the front row might cause heart palpitations, but if my writing has that effect on you, then I’m in trouble. Unless you’re saying it can bring people back from the brink of death. Then I may be on to something.